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Burning Question #5: Why Can’t You Get Away From a Psycho Killer?

He's Behind YouWhatever you do, they will catch you.

Stay put.

That’s making things too easy. Don’t think Jason could get through your front door? Or leap through your bedroom window?

Hide.

Under the bed? In the closet? In the basement? You’re only trapping yourself.

Run.

Sounds like the best course of action. But inevitably you will take a quick glance behind you. You will fall down. And Michael Myers will be standing right fucking in front of you. There’s a reason you never see psycho killers running after their victims. They don’t have to.

 

 

Burning Questions #4: How Did We Lose the Vietnam War?

Stallone, Schwarzenegger. NorrisOur silver-screen Vietnam vets were kicking ass in the 1980s. Sylvester Stallone was taking on entire towns armed with a sneer, Arnold Schwarzenegger was cracking necks with his bare hands, and Chuck Norris was doing, uh…(actually I’ve never seen any of those Missing in Action movies, but I’m sure Chuck was doing the exact same thing as Stallone). As John Rambo, John Matrix, Alan “Dutch” Schaefer, and James Braddock, our celluloid heroes were one-man armies; no one could stop them, not even invisible Rasta aliens.

So, how in the heck, dear readers, did we lose the Vietnam war with such badasses on our side?

My answer: We didn’t lose Vietnam. It was a tie. (Extra points if you know what movie that quote comes from.)

One Author for the Rest of Your Life

MindMeldLogo

Imagine, if you will, being allowed to read only one author for the rest of you natural life. Who would you choose? What criteria would you use to make the best choice?

This was the very question I posed to a group of speculative fiction writers for SF Signal’s latest Mind Meld feature. Interestingly, not one of them chose the same author. For the record, I’d take Stephen King.

You can check it out the Mind Meld here.

So who would be your forever author…?

THE BURNING QUESTION #3

Where's his junk?

Fact: Chewbacca is seven and a half feet tall. Fact: Chewbacca doesn’t wear any clothes.

So, how come no one’s ever seen any Wookiee twigs and berries?

He’s hairy but not that hairy.

Are Wookiee’s not anatomically correct? Could this account for their short tempers? I need to know!

THE BURNING QUESTION #2

If you can't trust John Kennedy with your secret identity, who can you trust?Why the hell do superheroes need secret identities?

Supposedly, the secret identities protect the superheroes’ loved ones. Because, god forbid, if Lex Luthor knew that Lois Lane is really married to Superman, then she’d be in terrible danger. Oh, wait, Lois Lane is in danger in every freakin’ Superman story.

Name a superhero movie in which the superhero’s significant other wasn’t kipnapped or threatened by the villain. In “Spider-Man 2” even poor Aunt May was almost killed by Doc Ock. So, let’s can the secret identities already.

Flash Gordon never needed a damn secret identity.

THE BURNING QUESTION #1

Did you fucking hear something?

Did you fucking hear that?

Why is it that whenever someone hears a scary sound in a horror movie or novel, that person always rattles off a laundry list of possible, and always innocuous, explanations for it — when we all know it’s a monster?

“Oh, it must be that damn cat again.”

The ominous rattling grows louder.

“Hmmm. It doesn’t sound like Jinxy. Must be the wind.”

The sound is now right outside their bedroom door. Suddenly they hear a growl so terrifying it could only have come from the very depths of hell.

“Damn kids must be watching TV again. Let’s go back to bed.”

…And that’s when the monster eats the idiot.

Whenever I hear a strange sound at night, I immediately think, “Shit, it’s a fucking monster.” I then grab whatever is handy — usually a hockey stick or a plastic fork — throw on all the lights, open all the closet doors, and wake up my wife, shouting, “There’s a fucking monster in the house!”